The Perfect Body?!

There are just no words to describe this.

Emo

I feel like what those emo kids must feel like these days. I can’t even really pinpoint why I’ve been this way lately. It could be any number of factors, but most likely it is everything all rolled up together.

• My girlfriend has been gone more often than she has been home, and I’m lonely and ready to have my partner back full time. (She’s away again at a conference…)
• My first child has gone off to live away from home for the first time ever and she doesn’t seem to be an active participant (so far) in college life.  I’m worried about her, and don’t want to see her fail or screw up this opportunity she’s been given.
• The reality of working at home with no one to look at and engage with each day is a little difficult, even though for the most part I really like it.
• My weight loss efforts have been incredibly slow, with only about 9 pounds lost in the last 10 weeks of going to weight watchers and being very diligent with food and somewhat good about exercise.
• My social circle is about as small as it’s ever been in my adult life, and I have no idea on how I want to expand it.

So yea, I guess I feel a little emo. I’m definitely ready for it to change though. I like myself better when I’m happy and interesting and fun to be around. So with that, maybe I should make another list of the stuff that’s good.

• I have a wonderful love in my life and after well over a year together, I still feel in-love. That’s a HUGE thing for me because in the past I’ve generally been sick of who I’m with by this time in a relationship.
• My kids are both happy and generally stay out of trouble and love me and support my relationship with Carolyn.
• My house is clean and most things work like they’re supposed to.
• My sister is going to have her second baby in any day now, and I’ll be Aunty Liz to a new family member and will get my baby fix on.
• The weather is pretty nice, sunny and 70’s just like I like it.
• I get to roll out of bed and go to work each day. I can work in front of the tv, or listen to any music I want. No one really monitors my comings and goings. And to top it off, I make pretty damn good money.
• Speaking of money, I have very little debt, and I have money in the bank.
• I’m healthy and strong and damn! I’m even cute.

So see, what am I all emo about? I have it pretty good! Maybe I’ll go take my dog out for a walk and crank up my iPod and convince myself that my good far outweighs my bad and try to pull myself out of my slump.

Don’t do this

Moving on to Dorm Life

We moved my daughter Meagan out today to live in the dorms. She’s starting freshman year at the State University in town, the same university I went to and graduated from.

It was quite the process to talk her father into her living in the dorms instead of at home, but in the end, we (my mother and I mostly) won, and she moved in today.

She’s been packing all week. I told her she needed to touch everything that she owned and in the process clean every surface and deal with every item. I didn’t expect her to part with all of her things, but lots of stuff ended up in goodwill bags, and lots of stuff ended up in boxes that she took to her new room. Her old room is now fairly empty, it definitely looks like she’s not living there anymore.

I went in there this evening and looked around. I think I’ll remove some old furniture and paint the walls soon. We’ve been meaning to paint in there for quite awhile, but she just had too much stuff everywhere. Her room will probably become my little project in the coming weeks.

We met her roommate and her mother last night. She’s come here from Hawaii, and her and her mom were very nice. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and talked. I think the girls will get along fine. Both had picked out similar colors for their beds, and each had gotten new computer, exactly the same Dell model. Her roommate seems eager to get to know people, and Meagan is one of the most social people around. I would say that the roommate scored quite well.

My only real worry about Meagan is that she will continue to pay too much attention to her high school friends. Some of them are just not on good tracks, and my daughter is someone who likes to try to fix people who are in trouble. I fear they will get in her way of meeting new people and attending all the fun things that will be offered to her in the coming weeks. I’m hoping she’ll make good choices of people to hang out with, and that she can prove that her social life is not more important than her school life. We’ll see if she can manage.

This is the first time she has lived somewhere other than this house since she was 9 months old. She was very nervous to move, but I know she’s going to do fine, plus she’s only a 15 drive from home. Probably the person it will be the hardest on will be my son, who adores Meagan and has been freaking out in his own ways the last month or so.

More on Friends, or Lack Thereof

I’m sitting in my backyard as I start this entry. It’s dark and I’ve made a fire in our chiminea. I don’t really know what prompted me to come outside and build a fire and enjoy it by myself, it was just calling my name. After I started it, I kind of regretted it. It’s weird sitting outside alone with a fire going. I mean usually if there’s a campfire, or a backyard fire, there’s other people enjoying it too. We’ll sit around and talk and laugh and joke around.. it’s just never been a solitary thing. So after sitting and looking at it for 15 or so minutes, I decided I would just go get my computer and write an entry… see if I could come up with something interesting to say.

Carolyn is away this weekend. Another Navy weekend.. only a couple more to go and then it’s RETIREMENT!! Hurray!! It’s not so much that I dislike the military, I just dislike that she has to make an 8-12 hour drive once a month. That’s 8-12 hours there, and 8-12 hours back. IT SUCKS. If she could do her work closer, that wouldn’t be nearly so bad. But this entry isn’t about her, I’m just mentioning the fact, that again, she’s gone.

I spent my day today doing some much needed food gathering. I hate grocery shopping. I used to like it when the kids were little, it gave us something to do. But the last several years it’s torture to get food in the house. I let the fridge get completely empty before I go gathering, and that’s what it’s been like this week. Nothing to eat and lots of complaints coming from the kids about the lack of food. So today, I went out in the world and tried to get enough to eat for as long as I could plan ahead for, (which is usually about 5 days, but I try to make it last as much as 2 weeks).

After I’ve been moaning to myself the last week or so about my lack of friends, it was amazing that everywhere I went today I ran into people I knew. I spent about 30 minutes in one store this morning talking to one of my old boss’s and his wife. They ended up becoming friends during the course of my employment, and live pretty close to me, but I haven’t seen them for a couple of years. We caught each other all up on our lives and they invited me to stop in the next time I walk past their house, which is about once a week when I walk my dog in that direction.

I ran into several other people during the course of the day, and although none of the people were people that I would deepen a relationship with, it was nice to catch up with everyone, and it left me thinking that yea, maybe some people WOULD attend my funeral and maybe miss me if I were gone. Yea, I know that’s kind of morbid or whatever, but I feel like that sometimes… that there’s no one besides my family who would attend my funeral.

I’ve never been able to figure out what was wrong with me. I think I’m pretty cool. I remember things about people, I’m polite, talkative, social, stay current with the news, some people think I’m funny, I’m not weird looking, or full of myself… I think I’m good friend material. But for whatever reason, I’ve never managed to make any keeper friends. That doesn’t mean I don’t know anyone… I know tons of people, kinda like today. I just don’t have any true blue stick by me friends, and I never have in my entire life. What’s up with that anyway?

Ok, here’s a change of subject. These are my new addiction: Woot Shirt and Woot. Check em out. They change at midnight Central time each day. Love it.

Lastly, my daughter just got home (only 6 more days until she moves out and into the dorms!) and looked out the door and said to me: “Mom you look so cute with your fire and your laptop…” She’s a sweet girl who has LOTS of friends, good friends, friends she’s had since she was 3. Why do some people get that gift and others don’t?